the story of pants

posted on ieatpants.com on December 9, 2009:

the basics (in the 3rd person, for your convenience and to bring to the fore how pretentious i am):

ieatpants is a man living in brooklyn, ny. he makes music with his guitars, computers, and wacky effects pedals. he made music with his friends for a while, but they up and moved to different countries and now ieatpants is once again on a solo mission.

the first band ieatpants ever played in was called “nerves in patterns” or some such nonsense… or maybe that was the name of the song? ieatpants doesn’t remember. who cares? no one, that’s who. back then ieatpants was called brandon. weird, huh? well, it was like a college band, but with no vocals and i think we covered mozart. this was in the fine city of cleveland, ohio.

anyway, next up was another cleveland band: jane’s hetfield addiction, aka, james’ hetfield addiction. jha was awesome—two guitarists, a bassist, and a trumpeter. jha wrote song titles that were long and silly to distract from the fact that they were an instrumental rock band without a drummer. regardless, jha managed to record several great tunes. unfortunately, only one is still available—go ahead and download “we obey the laws of physics, all the while pretending it is a great struggle between man and god.” remember the warning about the titles?

well, jha broke up and “brandon” changed his name to “admiral manpants.” of course, he wasn’t a real admiral, but that’s not the point… the point was that a new rock band was formed: invincible guitar. now, many things have been written about this juggernaut of a band, but dear reader, you only need to know two things about them: 1. invincible guitar played at the loudest level possible and with the most guitarist possible at all times, and 2. invincible guitar fucked your girlfriend.

now, you’re probably thinking, “lame.” well, in many ways, you are correct.

well, the cleveland-based titan that was invincible guitar eventually got old and retired. briefly morphing into the power ballad manufacturing company “the weeping pussies.”

admiral manpants moved to new york, where after several drunken recording sessions in his threadbare queens apartment, “ieatpants” was born. the first single “hydration nation” went all the way to the top. the top of ieatpants’ own personal playlist on myspace, that is. after a few more drunken recording sessions, more hits were hit upon. “don’t make fun of marty mcfly, rush limbaugh” was quietly whispered into a 4-track and onto the internet, where two or maybe even three, people listened in awe. that was january 28, 2007.

that first collection of songs is still lingering in the dark, waiting for a proper re-mastering and release. it was essentially a sketchpad, though, and ieatpants was not idle. he quickly manufactured another set of boring lo-fi songs that he world might ignore or possibly even hate…

quickly, move forward in time to the summer of 2009. ieatpants and doctor infinity were briefly united in queens to write and record a batch of drunken euphemisms under the name of “the gentlemen of the western reserve.” they were joined by a female vocalist and professional drummer/cellist/mandolier/bassist/all around awesome dude. well, the good dr. i moved on quickly and ieatpants was once again alone.

but was he alone? yes. but luckily for him he moved to the hip village of brooklyn, ny, and there he did find an organ on the streets with a giant sticker on it that readeth: “works!” now ieatpants has an organ and you shall soon experience it in massive stereo sound! that is, if you visit this site in a few months after ieatpants has recorded a bunch more stuff…. say, february 2010?

ok then, it’s a date!!

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